South Kivu men are convinced that no woman can leave the husband
because of violence in the home. The interviewees to this research gave their
views:
Joco: We are men. I am convinced that no woman can leave
the husband if they have children with her provided you still supply her with
her own and the children's needs. No, no, she can't go. She fears how to go
with the kids. Our grandmothers used to be abused but couldn't leave their
husband as they knew that life is like that. Yes, they
had no resources to live on their own. She can't go and
even the children will not accept her to move away
Tongo: This is a good point to discuss but my friends
here discourage me. They should know the woman is not like a goat that you beat
and she can't even cry, women are also human beings and you guys should
understand their case. If she feels discouraged, she is free to go. If she can
return to you, that's ok but do not think she is obliged to stay with you even
if you are abusing her.
Dira: Yes, she must stay and feed her children at home.
She has nothing to support them where she goes. I can't allow her to go, I'll
tell her that her leaving will not change me but if she stays, she may change
me. Also, if she produces many children she cannot move away as she fears how
to feed them. She will go if she never saw her mother living the same
conditions as herself. With children she will be heavy to go.
Comanda: I think everything from my brothers gives
clarification and it is fine. But, besides, a woman is never married to return
to her parents. The culture and our religions refuse women to go back to their
parents. If she still loves me she cannot go. She has to understand that we men
were created like that. She will stay there one day, the following day, her
brothers bring her back. She will feel shame. And in case she returns to her
parents', her bed has been burnt, where will she be sleeping?
Discussion
The belief that abuse is not a real reason for which a woman
can quit her abusive husband is widespread and nurtured in this province. Men
are convinced that when they have children with their wives, this is a kind of
glue which makes them stay in the home even if they are being abused by their
husbands (Paluku, 1998:72). This is founded on the idea that most South Kivu
women do not have jobs as they totally depend on their husbands (Matundu,
2007:12). In the case of the Shi tribe, for instance, a woman will say
`nafir'oku bana bani', meaning that I accept abuse because I have children with
this man. This because the woman wants to make her children grow up and so by
this time, she often dreams and expects the abuse to have stopped. Simons et
al. (1993:718) assert that men are sure that raising children while single is
an enormous task that women cannot afford as it is somehow overwhelming. In
most cases, men threaten their wives who attempt to leave the home to take the
kids away from them. Considering the motherly love women have towards their
children, they ultimately accept to suffer.
Based on the above arguments, women like to do what they
think is fine for their abusive husbands with the aim of maintaining the whole
family together. This is often an experience women acquire from their families
of origin. Joco supports abuse because a woman who used to witness her parents'
quarrels in their relationships over some issues will think that the life of
the woman builds on violence, therefore impossible to ride it out. Sable
(1992:270) states that any woman who has been abused in her youth will never
understand that abuse is awful and therefore no idea of a healthy home. This
shows how women lack the understanding or knowledge of how to handle the issue
of conflict in the home any better than they did during their childhood. The
woman is often blinded by the good relationship and face that the man was
showing her when they were dating, which makes her hope that the abuser may
change into a good husband. In addition, South Kivu women are often educated
with strong religious beliefs that never allow divorce. In valuing their
religious beliefs, these women become too much attached to marriage. In this
province, there exist many religious faiths that support that the woman marries
a man and must stand by her husband until death parts them.
Some of the participants (Joco and Dira) to a focus group
interview were quite clear by stating that if a woman is abused, she cannot
move away. Particularly, the views of Tongo and Dira show that women cannot
leave the home because of the husband's violence. These interviewees equally
demonstrate that they are prepared not to allow the woman decide as she feels.
This because Ruhamya (2007) points that an African woman is never married to
return back to her parents'; she must know how to cope with her husband's
evils. However, some men may go non abusive in case the wife has expressed her
anger and a threat to leave. In South Kivu, there exist many reasons why a
woman cannot quit the abusive home and as men are aware of these, they go on
abusing them in the home. Among those reasons, Dira points out that the wife
`has nothing to feed the children with where she goes'. This depicts that fear
of poverty and harm are some of the major reasons why women never leave their
abusive husbands. In fact, poverty remains a very actual possibility for the
women who leave exceptionally the men with whom they have made children.
Because of many children, women find that leaving their husbands would not be a
positive option since they are poor and jobless, have no place to go to and so
have no means to feed on while living alone.
During both focus group and in-depth interviews, a sizeable
number of men repeatedly advanced that a woman cannot quit an abusive home
because they loved each other. But the question remains to know whether love is
all enough to win over the outcomes of violence and abuse in a home. In their
arguments, West and Prinz (1987:209) attest that if man does not supply enough
love to family members and the wife in particular, abuse will increase. These
writers ascertain that marital love is strong because for spouses, it impels
that most people enter a relationship when pushed by it and that emotion does
not easily fade away. Wood (2009:155) and Sable (1998:554) emphasize that human
beings' self-esteem is high when there is open communication and collaboration
in the home but conversely it becomes very low if violence reigns. Sometimes,
such a sad event of domestic abuse is often followed by the perpetrator's
apologies and promises of change. These regrets and vows give more hope for
change to the wife and she may consider them as the end of the abuse in the
home, which is not often true.
