Dira: I think there exist some women who do not feel
happy when they are not beaten by their husbands. They feel loved and proud to
tell to their friends of it. I have never beaten my wife but I hear her telling
me the stories of her friends who are always abused but cannot leave
them.
Comanda: A woman cannot hate a man because he abuses her.
An abused woman who returns to their parents will have caused her husband to
pay a goat o his wife's home in order to take her back, which confirms her the
husband still loves her. For some women, abuse means love.
Dondo: Based on my own experience, some women like brutal
men. Once beaten, she will seek reunion, which leads to an opportunity to
discuss some issues that have been neglected by the husband. If no answer but
they have at least said their ideas.
Golo: Violence in the home is truly illegal, incorrect
and even an offence. Violence is violence; it has no positive explanation and
there is no woman or family members who can like to be ill-treated. I think you
guys who hide behind unfounded reasons should stop because violence in the home
makes the family suffer; this is shame to the society.
Tongo: It sounds shameful to abuse family members; this is a
big mistake men often commit.
Taking into consideration Dira's belief in a focus group
discussion, we learn that some men are violent because they are sure some women
appreciate it. In his research conducted in the DRC, Sungura (1998:92)
highlights that 37.6 % of South Kivu men admitted that women like violent men
sometimes because they never quit them and in addition to that they make a lot
of children with them. Similarly, Wilondja (2008:108) maintains that coercion
in homes is so common that the victims, particularly women, have familiarised
with it although it entails very little and nervous communication among family
members. Stenberg and Beier (1977:98) confirm that some women share their
stories of being abused in the home and they conclude that men are men and they
need to enforce their patriarchal maleness.
To Dondo and Comanda, men are motivated toward domestic
violence simply because women appreciate their husbands' violent attitudes in
the home. As a result, Bahige (1994:359) corroborates that social norms foster
violence against women in the home and in society. Actually these customs that
persuade women to eternally tolerate their husbands' domestic abuse are
instilled in the minds of both men and women since no woman will leave a
husband because he has been brutal toward her. Some men do consider domestic
violence as a reaction to the wife's demand as `I had to respond to her
request'. It is in this view that Erturk (2007:39) states that 30% of men
believe that they abused their wives (sexually) because they were asked to do
so, which gives such women pleasure. In addition, Mirindi (2003:37) indicates
that some DRC women often ask their husbands what's wrong if they have not
recently fought. This means that these women appreciate being abused as, for
them, this conveys their husbands still love them. Evidence from Comanda states
that some women believe abuse is sign of love. He adds that such women feel
proud to tell their relatives and friends `this time, he did it to me', he
added.
In spite of the above beliefs, very few participants in both
focus group and in-depth interviews strongly blamed abuse toward women. Golo
and Tongo depicted domestic violence as a wrong and a crime that heartless men
commit to family members, particularly the wife. They stated that the
assumption that women like domestic violence is not founded and it should be
rooted out from men's minds because violence in the home is pure shame.
Arias (1991:65) condones domestic abuse because its injuries
and negative emotions break family unity.
