The discourses below relate some attitudes of how friends
influence others.
Dondo: We are not born using violence but sometimes the
influence of our peers becomes strong and we can't resist it. We end up doing
it because men are laughing at you, saying that you have never beaten your
wife. This is what everyman does, we can't avoid this; it is the reality of
men; I can't be the man of my wife. She is my wife.
Commanda: On my side, I can avoid it, but
because of friends of my age I try it. The truth is that they laugh at others
when they know you have never `touched' on your wife. They will tell you that
you have been tamed, which pushes you to try and so escape such sayings. My
wife used to arrive home too late at night without explanations. My friends
told me to ask her like a man where she lingers every day. I was not willing to
but as they were telling me that she had become impossible because of me, I
decided to do it.
Dira: yes, I can live without violence in the home but
what will I tell other men when they put a lot of pressure? Around a glass of
beer, people talk about this. So they can teach you how to create a reason to
start. They don't force but they can simply ask you what kind of man you are
as, for example, the wife refuses you..., you... um, `the bed'; yes, sex. They
can also tell you to try to force because `a woman is always there for a
man'.
Bitu: Battering her, that was my own incentive but with
little pressure from my friend men we belong to the same group of spare part
selling. But this caused more conflict in the home and I was
victimised.
Fikiri: Yes, No man has ever openly told me to beat my
wife. But I listened to them and I personally concluded that it is ok to
`touch' on her so that she may understand that I am above her. I decided to
correct her after my friends had been annoying me.
The following day, my friends told me that now she has
recognised that I am a man who deserves respect. Again, some guys here just use
strong drugs, which cause them remove wives teeth or eyes. Some wives keep
quiet to avoid clash when they see their husbands are drunk.
Joco: Fikiri touches the points. Beer helps too much
because if you did not take of it, you feel pity and listen to their stories
and so no correction will apply. Once I used it when were still fiancés
but... (he smiles and says `you got it').
Discussion
In an in-depth interview, Dondo confirms that the influence
of colleagues on someone's opinions is unavoidable. He ascertains that man
often imitates his fellows and so he can possibly influence others to use
violence in the home. The attitude of Dondo is that peer pressure is a social
factor that influences men to abuse their family members. To Bahige (1994:132),
this means that domestic assaulters impress their peers with explanations of
their violent deeds and attitudes towards family members. Dondo's attitude
depicts the context in which men are often victims of their friends' pressure
for `doing what every man does'.
The very few men who disregard domestic violence are
considered as false men, `the men of their wives'. In the views of the
interviewees, this category of men are strongly criticised by the people around
them. The latter believe that men who are nonviolent have been tamed by their
wives, given some portion to reduce their maleness and power towards family
members; reason why they never talk (meaning batter or abuse) to their wives.
This is often conveyed by the question that violent men often ask of nonviolent
men, `do you fear she will go if you slap her?' Consequently, Wood (2009:142)
maintains that men often undergo their peers' psychological pressure, which
ultimately instils into their minds attitudes that foster domestic violence,
destroying family harmony and welfare.
During a focus group discussion, Commanda also evidences that
the influence of friends' pressure makes men do the unexpected. This leads to
avoiding being the object of discussion among the team members as one will
always be the target of mockeries. In addition, the person in the team would
like to apply violence and feel how his colleagues feel when they use it. This
is dangerous because all women are not tolerant and what applies to one
family
may cause discord in the other (Melgosa and Melgosa, 2008:170).
Presenting a violent attitude in the home while it was not there before may
totally destroy the home.
These arguments clearly explain the reasons why men consider
women as abusable persons; their husbands consider them as second class people
in the families instead of giving them complete honour and full protection
(Hatari, 1999:94). It is certain that attitude of domestic violence may be
learned from other violent individuals. Responding to an in-depth interview
question, Comanda and Dondo reveal that men adopt a violent position just for
pleasing their friends while driving their families into a quagmire of abuse.
In line with Benjamin (1998:106) and Bettencourt (2000), the majority of men
confirm their maleness once they are with their peers and social groups within
restricted constructs of what it really means to be a true man. Some of the
South Kivu men who attended the different discussions the researcher organised
revealed that men are satisfied when their friends approve of what they are
doing. When men are being observed in an admiring way, it means that they do
meet social and cultural criteria of manhood. This, in fact, conveys that they
embrace and support the attitudes and beliefs of other men who are around
them.
Comanda stated that abusive peers consider the men who avoid
violence in the home as being naive, fearful and anti-social. For him, men who
are violent in their homes are believed to be on top and worthy of their peers'
esteem and respect because their wives will never belittle them. The same
participant reveals that learning abusive behaviours from one's peers makes the
man be considered as a `family nuisance'. To Longa and Bulonza (2006:116), in
some South Kivu households, when `the man is out, there is joy in the home but
once he appears, all the children and the wife hide under the table because the
lion has arrived'. Arias (1999:44) substantiates that domestic violence for men
shows the role of family members to the man's sense of masculinity, both in
terms of their self-confidence and respect towards other men. The influence of
male peers remains unarguable; it effects on various aspects of men's
precarious violent attitudes in his home and in the society (CEDAW, 2004).
In their statements they gave in an in-depth interview, Dira
and Fikiri recognise that they
once abused their wives, not because of being
willing, but due to their friends' pushing them
to do so. Although Dira abused his wife under peer pressure,
he ultimately avowed and apologised to his wife that what he did was wrong and
so he told her the origin of abusing her. He depicts how very few abusive men
feel blameworthy and repentant after a violent and unpleasant incident towards
family members has occurred. Sometimes the abuser may swear for himself and his
wife that he will change. But, regrettably Meel (2005:208) found that men who
abuse family members because of peer pressure will not unlearn such attitudes
thanks to strong external influences, even if they have positive intentions.
Bitu ascertains that men create dangerous outcomes in their families by using
violence to their family members because of the influence of the peers. CEDAW
(2004) echoes the same idea when they signify that pressure from male peer
partners can be looked at as a reason that clearly contributes to early and
repeated violence in the home. Cherniac (2007:29) and Bahige (1994:325)
acknowledge that the pressure of friends remains of paramount influence in
applying domestic violence in almost every society of the world.
Such an attitude makes some women hate their husbands'
friends as they learn that violent men who befriend their husbands instil
violence and other bad behaviour such as beating, taking alcohol, running
behind skirts, etc. into them. In fact, Fazzone et al. (1999:96) discovered
that once a husband has introduced violent attitudes in his home due to
friends' manipulation, it means that he has a problem he will not easily get
rid of and probably get worse.
During focus group talks, Comanda avowed that his friends
taught him how to be severe with his wife and his children as they often arrive
home too late at night. These friends suggested him that family members who act
badly cannot be excused because they give man a headache. To Amato and Booth
(1996: 156), family members should provide convincing reasons to the husband
for their late arrivals in the home. If not, Bahige (1994:102) deduces that the
husband may take different conclusions as those of some interviewees: `she is
not submissive, she already has other men, or she wants me to touch her body.'
In fact, such accusations of the woman having affairs are widespread ways that
South Kivu men endeavour to mistreat their wives. Rude (1997:19) confirms that
men often use the excuse
for their domestic violence by accusing the woman of being
unfaithful. They do not trust their wives.
In the same view, some men consume alcohol and other drugs
due to peer influence in order to abuse family members. According to Olson and
DeFrain (2000:106), domestic violence is reinforced by man's peers influence of
consuming alcohol as a good strategy to correct family members. This pressure
of drinking heavy alcohol will possibly increase negative and hostile
communication in the home and so as to lead to less warmth and harmony. In the
long run, such a situation breaks down family communication, causes distress
and other various troubles in the home, which results in family disunion.
To Joko and Fikiri, although learned from friends, alcohol is
a good motivation toward domestic abuse. To Fikiri, the wife will not react to
the husband's provocative words because she notes that he has taken an
additional glass. Alcohol and other drug abuse in excess may be the willing or
unwilling cause for men to apply violence in the home; substance misuse becomes
the harbinger of out-of-control men's behaviour of violence in the home. Arias
and Pape (1999:47) discovered that the `number one commonality within the
dynamics of most alcoholic families is poor emotional health.' This often
creates secondary anger, which is an unsuccessful alternative for handling
emotions effectively. Once emotions are not well managed, the person is likely
to use violence about an issue that could be settled quickly in a nonviolent
way (Guerrero and LaValley, 2006:85).
Participants to this research, in focus group and in-depth
interviews, confirmed that friends' influence of domestic violence does not
depend on how long people have been married. Some participants argued that when
they were fiancés, they abused their partners and `some men married the
same persons that they abused during betrothal, which means that violence was
expected and accepted in their future home' (Melgosa and Melgosa, 2008:100).
Joco reported that he was married for 4 months when he first
used force against his wife,
which was not at his own initiation but his
friend's advise. Mirindi (2003:51) and Wilondja
(2008:84) corroborate that
men face pressure from their colleagues to use early violence on
the wife. Thus, domestic violence should be committed when
the couple is still new because this is the moment when the wife is still very
submissive, obedient and not reactive to the husband's actions. And West and
Prinz (1987:206) confirm that this is the right moment to redress the wife
because if one waits, it will be difficult and besides this familiarises her
with what she has to learn from men.
