Among the many beliefs that motivate men to use violence in
their homes, South Kivu men argue that wives often provoke abuse by men. Below
are the views of the interviewees regarding the women who magnetize men's
violence on themselves; they were collected from focus group and in-depth
discussions.
Dondo: South Kivu women also cause us to be violent in
the home. Yes, because they repeat the same error and they tell us, but you can
beat me. The words from women's mouths hurt more than a knife, if they can shut
up, we can't beat them.
Bitu: What Dondo says is ok. In this province, there are
some women who just put their finger in the man's eye thinking he will keep
quiet. The way they speak to men, their behaviour and the way they wear are
enough to redress them. Some women are clever; they touch you in the eye and
when you react they leak out bed secrets. They relate the story to parents,
relatives and friends so that they see you as a devil, someone useless and
totally despicable.
Fikiri: when a man tells a woman several times to stop
drinking for example as the husband does not drink, and she continues, she is
telling you to do what you like. I think I must do it to make her understand.
Here are other women who wear the way that is not decent and the husband does
not like it. She tells the husband to put where he wants. And the husband does
so.
Comanda: This is often due to their bad responses to the
husband. They simply provoke men by their speeches, and when he touches on them
I think they feel happy because they got what they wanted. Yes, when she comes
home very drunk, it means that she wants to be taught a lesson.
Golo: One day I was exchanging with a woman, she told me
that men do not like women who respond to them. It seems when the husband
rebukes the wife she must shut her mouth because the more they are exchanging,
the more they are fuelling the contention and so man will not hesitate to apply
violence.
Joco: For me I think when a woman willingly repeats errors
several times, she knows this will annoy the husband but she does it. This
means that she is telling him indirectly to `touch' on her. Also, some women
here like to be abused so that they can get a way to put you in public, which
gives them right in the eyes of the public.
The opinions of the above participants show clearly that some
men abuse women; they think they are provocative of violence. In fact, Dondo
shows, in a focus group discussion, how women push their husbands into violence
and later on they claim they have been abused. Edelson (1999:147) indicates
that `men often assault women due to their bad words; men do not tolerate
insolent women'. In the same way, South Kivu men often opt for domestic abuse
as the result of the wife's words that accompany their repeated and bad
actions. Based on such myth, men believe it is rational, right and normal to
use violence in their homes. This means that men are not willing to dominate
their power over their violent impulses and that women do not control their
words, their way of walking and clothing in front of men, which means that
women attract men's violence. In a research done by Longa and Bulonza (2006:9)
in the Great Lakes Region (GLR) regarding men and domestic abuse, it was found
that 20.3 % of male being violent in the home is often caused by the wife's
continual misconduct despite the husband's remarks.
In an in-depth interview, Fikiri brings in a further
assumptive opinion of some women who wear what their husbands have refused them
and drink alcohol whereas the husbands never drink. Accordingly, such arrogance
and insubordination also trigger some men to be tough with their wives in the
home. Research by Amato and Booth (1996:362) concludes that though a man can be
very open to tell a woman he loves her, she should not behave the way to
attract him more, which the husband considers as purely provocative. In coming
home drunk, the husband concludes that his wife has been flirting other men,
who ultimately bought her alcohol in order to sex with her. In this way, South
Kivu men will always perceive the woman as the real cause of abuse since she is
more responsible of what she is doing and totally knowing that it is bad but
she does it willingly. In most cases, provocative women of domestic violence
are very few because it has been found that more males often instigate domestic
violence compared to women (Amato and Booth, 1996:368).
In his account during an in-depth interview, Golo makes
obvious that women dress the way
that may push men to run behind them,
which, for him, is an invitation for the husband to put
her right. In his
mind, he wants to display that woman's way of dressing to the passengers
means that she can respond to their call for love. The
husband being aware of this will not hesitate to lay his hand on her, calling
her a prostitute. In South Kivu, this gives the man full right to apply
violence on the wife. Based on this view, Bahige (1994:333) concludes that
family assault is predominant because women encourage and provoke men in the
home. Actually, such traditional myths aim to make women responsible for
domestic violence and at the same time, it views men's beliefs and actions of
violence as allowable in society and therefore supporting the unspoken approval
to men's violence. Mawazo (2010) reveals that, women are too submissive,
subordinate and passive in their home relations with their husbands and they
are too often to blame for domestic violence.
Although women cause men to abuse them, some women have some
reasons to do so. In a focus group discussion, Bitu and Joco revealed that
women are very cunning and malicious because they willingly entice their
husbands to beat or insult them so that they can publicly picture them as
pitiless perpetrators of violence in the home, and even disclose their homes
secrets. Both interviewees witness that some men often fall into their wives'
trap. Paluku (1998:87) underscores that when a woman wants to expose the
husband's abusive evils in the home and in the bed, she simply irritates him so
that he can abuse her and so she gets an opportunity to tell the people
everything about him. This is what West and Prinz (1987:205) called the
`women's uncontrolled and provocative verbal expressions'. In this context, man
will blame himself as he feels shame and ridiculed in the eyes of the public.
But again, since he has nothing more to protect and he has been exposed to the
public as a social evil, this will possibly push him to become even more
aggressive towards the wife. This actually depicts those rare South Kivu women
who break the culture of silence although this brings them more violence.
